Journey into Guardianship:: Part 1
After a whirlwind launching of my website earlier this year, I made a realization that I was completely overwhelmed by just how much there was to say, do, and bring to light. I had felt the intense push from the Universe to move forward and create this space for a gathered journey into guardianship, but the truth was that I was still struggling with how to best approach the role of leader and voice to this new Community. My mission and passion were focused, but it was clear that I still had my own work to do before I could step up in the way that was needed. It was time take a step back and dive into my own shadow to meet head on the obstacles that were facing me.
After much reflection I realized that I still had a need to understand the Sacred Masculine on a deeper, more personal level. Having always been closely connected to the strong example set by my maternal line, I was very comfortable with the Sacred Feminine in my life. However, I was distinctly lacking the connection to, and ultimately the balance from, the Sacred Masculine that was needed to be a clear voice for my fellow Guardians. So, in this blog series, I will be inviting you into the process of my journey to rediscover and reconnect with my own Sacred Masculine.
I mentioned earlier that I have always felt comfortable with the examples set before me when it comes to the Sacred Feminine. In my family it was my maternal line that was the source of both comfort and stability. Although my father was around while I was growing up, his presence wasn’t widely felt, at least not in a particularly positive light. I don’t feel that I ever had the chance to get to really know my dad. What I did know wasn’t enough to paint a clear portrait that would explain the actions of the man I knew as a child. I do know that he grew up in a strict Lutheran household and entered the Air Force early in his life. When his tour was over he met and married my mother. They both worked in the travel industry for the airlines and spent the first portion of their life together seeing the world before finally settling down and having kids. I didn’t grow up to have a very high opinion of my father. The damage created by his thoughtlessness was often left to my mother to clean and sort.
In general, my father was a very selfish man. That’s not to say that we didn’t ever experience good times, or that we were not provided for by him in a technical sense. However, if my dad was involved the focus quickly turned to himself. Although our basic needs may have been met, our desires and opinions were rarely ever taken into consideration. He also was not a great communicator. When he was angry or upset, he would usually leave or just sequester himself in the garage working on some project that he certainly didn’t need our help with. As a kid, and the firstborn, this left me with a really poor example of “manhood” to follow. I often found myself without a good outlet for my own issues with masculinity.
When I realized that I had some unfinished business with my father, and that this was stifling moving forward with this project, I decided that I needed to work on getting myself to that place of balance within. This led me to explore the “why’s” of his behavior in an effort to more clearly understand myself. I was determined to finally get to know my father and understand what molded him into the man I knew. The first step was to start with my paternal grandparents, since he was probably only following the examples that he was given growing up.
In retrospect my paternal Grandmother was also a very selfish person. I could describe her as overbearing, and set in her ways, but more noteworthy, she was a compulsive liar. From what we have found out this was probably due to an undiagnosed mental issue. I’m not here to lay blame or make excuses for her, but more to examine the impact that her behavior had on my father. It seems obvious that her actions undermined the stability of the lives of her children. When her lies were found out she would decide that the family would need to move, presumably to a new area where people didn’t know them. With this in mind it’s easy to see how my dad learned to be selfish and to avoid situations that made him uncomfortable from this example of parenting.
Grandpa was a Pearl Harbor survivor, and… well, that’s about all I know about him. He was always quiet around my brother and I and Grandma usually did all the talking. All I really know is from a few vague memories and some old pictures. It is anyone’s guess if he was also dealing with hidden demons of his own? Regardless, neither one were great role models for my dad.
My father passed away several years ago and afterwards another interesting factoid emerged. This may also help to explain some of my grandparents issues in regards to him. He was not my Grandfather’s child. Because this was a gigantic family secret, I didn’t find out until after my dad had passed away. I have no idea if my dad ever knew or if he ever experienced any feelings of peculiarity or foreignness in his household. This might explain some of his lack of loving and personal bonding with his own children.
My challenge now is how to deal with the impact of his choices and the examples that he set. Now that he’s passed, I can’t just sit him down and have a big heart-to-heart, father/son conversation with him. Luckily, I am a spiritual person with a strong support system. I have options available to me that many in my situation wouldn’t. I turned to the skills of my amazing circle of friends for their knowledge and guidance.
I hope you will follow me on this journey and connect to your own challenges and discoveries through this work.
::Continued in Part 2::
As always, in life, in love and in spirit, keep pushing for that positive forward motion.